The Upcoming Bomb Brother Trial: Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Dzhokhar
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[With apologies to Wallace Stevens]

[ note: This is a satire, satire, satire, SATIRE! It’s not 2014 yet, Lindsey Graham has not revealed himself as perfectly scrumptious, and no Bomb Brother acquittal has been announced (yet). However, nothing in this parody is beyond possibility—some surprising people have discovered their inner scrumptiousness, and juries are…unpredictable, if you are not aware that “race is destiny” in the jury room as well as the voting booth.]

Excerpts from press coverage of the acquittal of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on April 15, 2014:

I: Associated Press:  

In an expected development, confessed Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was acquitted today on each of four counts of first-degree homicide and 190 counts of aggravated assault. The jury of eleven women and one man declared him “innocent on account of cuteness.”


Juror Kendra Newton explained after the verdict, “To be honest, I kind of zoned out, you know? I was trying to pay attention so I could write a book and make a lot of money, but trials are a lot more boring and confusing than you’d think from TV. They should edit out all the dull parts and have a musical score that tells you how you are supposed to feel.” 

III: Hollywood Reporter:

Ben Affleck announced that he had acquired the rights to the life story of his fellow Cambridge Rindge & Latin School graduate Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. The biopic will be Affleck’s long-awaited follow-up to his Best Picture-winning Argo. “Dzhokhar will portray what you might assume was a national humiliation,” Affleck declared, “But, when you look at history from just the right angle, you’ll see that these events were actually a brilliant triumph by a Democratic Administration.” Affleck is growing a foot-long beard to play pious elder brother Tamerlan Tsarnaev, while Rindge grad Matt Damon will portray Vice President Joe Biden.

IV: Boston Globe:

Defense attorney Gloria Allred argued that Dzhokhar was the real victim. If anyone in the Tsarnaev family were to blame, she said, it would have to be Tamerlan. But, she contended in a rousing closing argument that had jury members gasping with anger, "the real killer is Hector Torres. He killed Tamerlan's American Dream."

Torres was the white Hispanic trainer of a rival boxer. He became the Mark Fuhrman of the trial after the New York Times revealed on April 27, 2013 in "Before Bombs, a Battered American Dream" that Torres had crushed Tamerlan's patriotic hopes by getting him disqualified from the 2010 Golden Gloves tournament for not having completed his path to citizenship, thus forcing him to do what he did.

Torres has gone into hiding.

Commenting on the verdict, Senator John McCain, a member of the bipartisan Gang of Seven immigration reform leaders, told reporters, “This just proves what I’ve always believed: We must immediately grant American citizenship to anybody in the world who wants it. And bomb everybody who doesn’t.”

V: Today Show:

Jury forewoman Jihada Allahuakbarova described the defendant as “Kind of dreamy, like in a boy band, a practice boyfriend type. But when they talked about him killing those people,” Allahuakbarova noted, “I could tell he was all man.”

VI: Transcript of defense attorney Gloria Allred’s closing summary:

Djhokhar Tsarnaev had a dream, an American Dream. Like all those millions of immigrants who came to a boring, white bread country and built this land with their bare hands, he had a plan, a hard-working plan to do the job Americans just wouldn’t do: deal drugs out of his dorm room in-between marathon X-Box sessions. He had a faith, a vibrant faith that his immigrant entrepreneurship would let him afford all the gold chains that signify virile manhood in his own diverse culture. Was it his fault that America failed his American Dream? What else could this Dreamer do but take a stand against the haters, the xenophobes, the racists that say his family maybe shouldn’t have been allowed to come to this country in the first place? If you convict this boy, then the nativists have won.

VII World Star Hip Hop:

I liked when the lawyer lady said, “If you ain’t a bigot, you must acquit it.”

VIII New York Times:

The verdict came as a rebuke to the once widely-praised jury selection strategy of federal prosecutor Carmen Ortiz, who had decided to pack the jury with women and focus her prosecution on demanding feminist vengeance for the murder of the two female victims. Ms. Ortiz had been especially admired for her policy of never challenging any prospective female juror on whether she was undocumented.

Mr. Tsarnaev's attorney, Gloria Allred, had surprised courtroom commentators by playing along with Ms. Ortiz's selection tactics. The normally media-friendly Ms. Allred has kept her silence on the thinking behind her juror strategy, citing only "a hunch."

Ms. Ortiz had called for a 30-year-sentence for Mr. Tsarnaev, the same as she had insisted upon for his look-a-like, the late Aaron Swartz, for downloading JSTOR academic papers at MIT.

IX Nancy Grace Show:

When invited on the air afterwards, three jurors smiled, shook their heads, and said only, “No hablo inglés.”


Meanwhile, in war news: all quiet on the South Ossetian front. The NATO invasion of the Russian-occupied North Caucasus region remains bogged down in trench warfare after last month’s decimation of the U.S. 1st Armored Division by Russian artillery after the American tanks roared across the border from the Republic of Georgia.

Senator Marco Rubio called for broadening the war inspired by the Boston bombing to the neighboring Caucasus region of Ingushetia, arguing, “We’ve only been able to find connections between this act of terror and Chechnya, Dagestan, and Kryzgyzrystan. So, therefore, we invaded South Ohsaycanyouseetia. But that is not enough. We must invade Ignitionia now. And Iraq. I mean Iran. No matter what, we should always invade Iran.”

XI London Daily Mail:

At his post-release news conference, Tsarnaev stood by the side of his new fiancée, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, the former Kate Middleton. The royal princess revealed that she had been exchanging love letters with Tsarnaev via

Donning a hijab, the princess declared to reporters that she was divorcing Prince William, abandoning custody of her infant son (who is in line to someday become King Henry IX), converting to Islam, and would henceforth be known only as “Mrs. Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.” 

Asked to comment, Dzhokhar smirked, "What can I say? Chicks dig Chechens."


Washington Post: Former McCain and Rubio ally Lindsey Graham (R-SC)—or, as the Senator has insisted upon being called since his dramatic recantation of his foreign policy and immigration views, “The Divine Miss G”—remains a controversial voice upraised against the Beltway consensus he once embodied.  Sen. Graham claimed, “It makes no more sense to invade Christian South Ossetia, much less Ingushetia and Iran, for something that Muslim Chechen terrorists from Dagestan did than it did to invade Iraq because of something some Saudis did.”

As the South Carolinian has repeatedly asked since leaving the former Gang of Eight to found the Cotillion of One, “And why are people still talking about amnesty for the ‘poor undocumented workers condemned to living in the shadows?’ Doesn’t anybody understand that ‘living in the shadows’ was just my metaphor for me?

Senator Graham, who now spells his first name Lindsay!, continued, “Now that I’m out and in the spotlight, who cares about those dreary nobodies? I told my Mossad handler that I was exhausted from always going on TV to demand more invasions and more immigrations, always trying to seem ultra-butch. And then he threatened to leak those photos (which I worried would make me look fat, but, I must say, they’ve turned out rather flattering—I’ve gotten numerous compliments). Well, I told him, ‘We should just do like you people do with your “illegal infiltrators”—deport them and build razor wire fences so they can’t come back.’” And he agreed with me. So, there.”

XIII Boston Herald:

A moment of silence was observed at the opening game of Dorchester’s Savin Hill Little League in memory of Martin Richard, who died a year ago today before he could play his first game. closing note: Because of bitter experience, we’ll repeat the disclaimer: this is a satire, satire, satire, satire.  The only actually impossible thing is this: That a man caught red-handed with   pounds of incriminating evidence in his possession, after being witnessed by multiple police officers firing on them, and running over his own brother, who may, for all we know already have confessed, should come to trial within one year.


Steve Sailer (email him) is movie critic for The American Conservative and writes regularly for Takimag. His features his daily blog. His book,AMERICA’S HALF-BLOOD PRINCE: BARACK OBAMA’S "STORY OF RACE AND INHERITANCE", is available here and here (Kindle)

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