Babylon Bee: "12 Obsolete Manly Activities and What You Can Replace Them with"
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From the Babylon Bee:

12 Obsolete Manly Activities And What You Can Replace Them With
May 30th, 2019

Let’s face facts. The “manliness” you hear old people talking about is outdated and tired. It’s time to move on from the prehistoric concepts of masculinity and onto the new way to be male. Here are 12 things considered “manly” that are now woefully obsolete. Along with each, we’ve proposed a better, more up-to-date alternative.

Any idea that has been around for more than thirty years is old hat. Chivalry, if it were a hat, would be one of those stupid ruffly hats they wore in old French paintings. It is an archaic practice that assumes women can’t accomplish basic tasks such as opening doors, pull seats out from tables, and walk without holding onto some man’s arm. It’s time to retire this tired, sexist trope that parades around pretending to be a form of respect and admit women have no need for male door charity. 

INSTEAD: Get a Sex Change and Beat the Tar Out of Women in MMA
True respect for women requires drastic, body-altering measures. Instead of opening doors for women, consider getting a sex-change and opening up wounds on women’s skulls in the octagon. Instead of pulling out chairs for women, pull a woman’s arm out of its socket. If you want women to know you consider them equals, quit body-shaming and start body slamming.


OBSOLETE MANLY THING #10: Opening Pickle Jars
Every man wants to be the pickle hero. But in this day and age, if a woman can’t twist the lid off of a jar of pickles, she can— and should— simply smash the jar against a wall for being so oppressive. Why should a man step in and ally himself with a jar that wasn’t willing to respect women? That’s not masculine. That’s alt-right-pickle-adjacent behavior at best.

INSTEAD: Open Borders
Find a border and tear it down. Prove your hate for walls by destroying any wall you see. Find a map and white-out any border lines. Don’t waste another minute trying to open a jar when there are borders everywhere oppressing basically everyone.

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