(SATIRE) Obama: NSA To Refocus Away From Terrorists, Search For Racists Instead
Print Friendly and PDF

President Barack Obama announced today a fundamental restructuring of the mission of the National Security Administration. "In the searching conversations we have been having over the appropriate goals for government surveillance, we've come to a new realization. This week the American people have spoken. It's not 2002 anymore. Few still care about hunting down terrorists. What the public wants now is hunting down racists. And by any means necessary."

The President announced a variety of new NSA initiatives, such as data-mining the petabyte of private phone calls and emails stored in the Utah Data Center for evidence of citizens engaging in racial stereotyping, expressing a lack of personal enthusiasm for blacks, or failing to be appropriately outraged by Donald T. Sterling.

Mr. Obama issued an executive order immediately abolishing retroactively any and all state laws, such as California's, that make illegal the surreptitious recording of private conversations.

Also, the federal government has already worked out agreements with Google and Apple so that yesterday's updates to their smartphone operating systems included a previously unannounced feature that silently turns on the phone at random intervals and sends any conversations overheard to Fort Meade for racism analysis. More than one hundred million hours were successfully collected in the first day and are currently being processed by NSA supercomputers.

Congress will be asked to approve the real-time collection of all security camera footage from shops and public places. The plan is to use new CIA lip-reading and facial-recognition software to determine who is making racially insensitive remarks.

By 2016, a fleet of drones will be circulating endlessly over the 50 states. Each will be equipped with sensitive laser measuring systems that can record indoor conversations just from the vibration of window panes.

Speaking at the Milken Global Conference today on the Business of Sports, basketball legend Magic Johnson endorsed the Administration's plan, "If Barack's new system had been in place a month ago, I wouldn't have had to spend so much time and money on that Stiviano [woman]."

Harvard law professor Cass Sunstein explained that he's been asked to head an informal commission brainstorming over next steps. "The fundamental problem remains the superficiality of our technological capabilities: for at least the next decade, if not longer, the government will only be able to monitor thoughts that have been expressed. Yet, it's the unexpressed thoughts inside Americans' brains that, ultimately, we are most interested in knowing. Perhaps a massive system of paid government agent provocateurs, or, as I like to call them, "cognitive infiltrators," can be used to seduce and goad citizens into saying out loud their innermost buried beliefs?"

Obama Administration critics were quick to denounce the new programs for their cost. Congressman Paul Ryan suggested that much of the pressing national need to track down and expose racists could instead be crowdsourced at zero cost to the taxpayer. Ryan announced he was in discussions with Mark Zuckerberg to add a Snitch-on-a-Racist button to all Facebook pages that would allow anyone to anonymously denounce anyone for racism, sexism, or homophobia.

Still, despite some grumbling, the response among leaders to the President's overall goal was generally positive. Senator Marco Rubio said, "If we don't stop wasting energy on terrorists and start focusing on racists, then the real terrorists will have won."

Print Friendly and PDF