Memo To Columnist Mike Seate: "Comedy Central" Won't Be Calling
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Columnist Mike Seate [send him mail] is the kind of guy that often brought this reaction from the late comedian Jimmy Durante: "Everybody wants ta get inta da act!" Seate quickly demonstrates that top-notch comedy, which includes impeccable timing, isn't his strong suit: Does Pa. need a border patrol? Pittsburg Tribune-Review, July 25. Seate opens his routine this way in an attempt wow his "audience":

State House Republicans were scheduled to hold hearings next month to discuss the imminent threat to Pennsylvanians by two-headed, bat-winged extraterrestrials.

The sessions were postponed when legislative aides couldn't find the mythical creatures. Lacking a convenient threat scapegoat, legislators instead settled for Mexicans.

Give the kid a break, OK? He's nervous and needs to warm up. How about . . .

An Aug. 2 hearing in Cranberry, Butler County, will be one of several across the state to address Pennsylvania's so-called illegal immigrant problem, a problem I didn't know existed. According to U.S. Census figures, the state has 12 million residents, an estimated 45,000 to 50,000 of them illegal immigrants.

If this is evidence the state is being overrun by aliens, Paris Hilton is undersexed, (Pittsburg Steelers QB) Ben Roethlisberger is underappreciated and I can still wear size 32 pants.

(Rim shot and cymbal crash) It's no sin to try something new and fail miserably. But illegal immigration is no laughing matter, and that's what makes Seate's attempt at humor so disgusting. He mocks law enforcement officials like the no-nonsense District Attorney John Morganelli and whines that the state should be spending more time on genuine "quality of life" issues like high property taxes, education, gasoline prices and health care for the poor. Golly, this Milton Berle wannabe cares about the poor? Anybody here see him railing against an immigration policy that isn't doing much to address the 40 percent of black American males who are unemployed or the many working poor who comprise the nation's 14 million underemployed? Nobody in Pennsylvania is being hurt by the illegal aliens living there "search for a better life?" Thanks for coming out today, Mr. Seate. You'll be hearing from us. OK, is the singing dog act ready?

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