The Postmodern Pentathlon
August 22, 2008, 05:47 AM
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The International Olympic Committee today announced that the Modern Pentathlon—an Olympic event that tests five skills a young officer would have needed to succeed as a courier during the Napoleonic Wars: fencing, shooting, swimming, horseback riding, and running—will be replaced at the 2012 London Summer Games by the Postmodern Pentathlon, which will test the skills crucial to delivering a message in the 21st Century:

  • Spinning
  • Cellphoning while riding in an elevator
  • Staying on message
  • Being ubiquitous in the media
  • Taking offense

Medal favorites include Mischa Saakashvili, Morris Dees, Karl Rove, and David Brock.