Somebody Has a Crush on Stephen Miller
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From the NYT op-ed page, a fifth-grade-style essay on why that awful Stephen Miller boy has cooties and how Maeve Higgins can’t stop thinking about him:

Stephen Miller Is the Enemy of My Dreams


… What I’m missing, I’ve come to realize after a summer of cookouts and heart-to-hearts and hiking trips, is an enemy.

… Then I have pet hates — ones that have bloomed so abundant in this country of late, namely racism, the demonizing of immigrants, and white people lashing out at progress because they somehow feel victimized by it. Out of this checklist, a phantasm emerged, and as it took shape I saw it was none other than Stephen Miller, waving at me cheerfully as he stepped into view. It’s funny, isn’t it? Sometimes what you’re looking for has been right there all along, shouting over women on cable news shows.

… He wears skinny ties. He has a loud voice and quiet eyes. His obsession is immigration and how scary immigrants are. He blames us for everything. …

This country has practically militarized borders, but Mr. Miller insists that “uncontrolled migration” is responsible for plummeting wages and overcrowded schools. He skips over the fact that migration is strictly controlled, technology has taken jobs away from Americans far more than immigrants have, overcrowding in schools is caused by a plethora of factors, and crime rates are lower among immigrants than among people born here. …

I think he’s The One. Mr. Miller and I both spend our time thinking and learning about immigration. I am an immigrant and make a podcast about immigration, but he goes many steps further. He helps create our nation’s immigration policy. He was a big proponent of the first travel ban. You know, the grotesque one that tried to block Syrian refugees forever. I understand that he is stronger than I am, not physically, I’d imagine, but politically.

I do not know him personally and he doesn’t have a clue who I am. Perhaps it’s self-aggrandizing of me to choose him, but a real enemy should be a stretch. He is clever and works very hard. He has immense privilege. I watch him closely. I wonder how healthy it is, this new fixation on my enemy. Then I recall hearing animal experts say that getting a second cat, even one that your first cat despises, is a good idea. …

Mr. Miller seems to enjoy animosity, so perhaps I shouldn’t give him what he craves. I remind myself that he was once a chubby little baby, with balled-up fists, looking out from his stroller at lights and shadows. Even today, he’s really just a guy in a little suit he has chosen so carefully that it breaks my heart. …

“Miller would really hate this,” I think.

… Well, he will have to face me.

Maeve Higgins is the author of “Off You Go: Away From Home and Loving It. Sort Of” and the host of the podcast “Maeve in America.”

Commenter Tim Howells points out this Univision video about Miller that ends with a girl saying, “I find his actions appalling and infuriating! … But I’d really like to actually get to know him better.”

Commenter Tyrion writes:

The rest of your article is so nakedly a broody love letter of baby pining and sex fantasy that I am quite jealous of Mr Miller. Oh to have the infamy that makes women go so goo goo ga ga and to have that infamy for moderate sensible politics.

I’m reminded of a Chekhov short story I read last night, “On the Road.” A man confesses at length to a young woman how he ruined his late wife’s life through his ridiculous bouts of political extremism, and she immediately falls in love with him.

Of course, in Miller’s case, it’s his moderate sensible politics that these days make him an alluring Bad Boy.

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