Retconning America: A Compromise Plan for What to Do with All the Racist Washington and Jefferson Statues
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I noticed that Stonewall Jackson is coming down. I wonder is it George Washington next week and is it Thomas Jefferson the week after? You know, you really do have to ask yourself, where does it stop?” — Donald Trump
Today, President Trump is being universally denounced in the media for his insane assertion that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are next, while numerous think pieces are being prepared for publication tomorrow on why, now that we think about it, tearing down statues of Washington and Jefferson is demanded by the fight against white supremacy, the right side of history, the current year, and resistance to Trump.

That sounds like a lot of destruction, though.

Perhaps cooler heads will prevail and a compromise solution can prevent having to demolish the Jefferson Memorial, the Washington Monument, and other landmarks to shame the descendants of the once proud people who gave us the great men of American history. Perhaps we can just retcon all these statues and place names to reflect the heritages of today’s winners rather than of today’s losers, those hateful haters.

It would be kind of like how we all know now that Caitlyn Jenner won the 1976 Olympics? That could save a lot in demolition costs.

For example, we have an entire state up in the Northwest named after slaveholder and anti-globalist George Washington. Commenter Anonymous suggests:

This is actually what they did in King County, Washington. From wiki:

The county was originally named after William Rufus King who was Vice President when the Washington Territory was created in 1853. In 1986, a motion was introduced to change the namesake to Martin Luther King Jr.[3] No public votes or hearings were taken on the change.[4]

So now King County, home of Seattle, is no longer named after the no-doubt deplorable William Rufus King, but the morally impeccable Martin Luther King.
Maybe they can keep the name Washington and just decide that it was named after Booker T. Washington instead of George. Of course it would require a changed state flag, but at least most of the state letterhead and signs could remain the same.
On the other hand, Booker T. Washington was too conservative, too anti-elitist, too racially realistic, and too Republican. So some other Washington must be found.

Perhaps the state could be renamed after distinguished movie star Denzel Washington?

But he is male, so inferior for our purposes.

Perhaps actress Kerry Washington of Shonda Grimes’ Scandal? She’s quite easy on the eyes. (Is that sexist? Sorry, scratch that then. I’m sure, however, there is some female-gender identifying Professor of Queer Studies somewhere named Washington who would make an ideal choice.)

Or maybe the state of Washington could be named after Denzel, while the 555-foot tall phallic symbol in the National Mall could be renamed the Kerry Washington Memorial to less its toxic masculinity.

But what about Washington DC? I’m starting to run out of famous Washingtons …

Perhaps actor Isaiah Washington, who was in another Shonda Grimes show Grey’s Anatomy? But he was fired for homophobia, so I guess he’s out.

I’m leaning toward outfielder Claudell Washington, who played for six baseball teams from 1974-1990.

As for the Jefferson Memorial, while racial justice demands that it be reduced to a smoking hole in the ground, it is rather pretty. Unfortunately, because American history is so racist, there haven’t been all that many famous Jeffersons with the right Pokemon diversity points.

Perhaps the Jefferson Memorial could be repurposed to honor some other political Jefferson, such as martyred Congressman William J. Jefferson of New Orleans, currently serving 13 years for having $90,000 in cash in his freezer.

If not William J. Jefferson, why not, as a sop to Republicans, replacing the statue of Thomas Jefferson with one of that great small businessman George Jefferson?

For example, Washington and Lee University deserves to be leveled by cruise missiles for its name. But what if it could be repurposed to the current national struggled to Punch Nazis? Instead of George Washington, it could renamed after NBA player Kermit Washington. Power forward Kermit is best known for punching Rudy Tomjanovich in the face, nearly killing him. Granted, Tomjanovich is not, as best we tell, a Nazi, but with a consonant-heavy surname like that, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

And Washington & Lee U. can change the “Lee” from Robert E. Lee to Bruce Lee to honor Bruce punching (or to be precise, kicking) John Derbyshire:

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