Immigration Enthusiast Too Evolved To Work
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Everybody dreads having to wade through the mounds of e-mail that await them after being away even for a few days, but upon returning from Washington this past weekend I was pleasantly surprised to find an intellectually stimulating note written by Mike Jones of the Pittsburgh area. The theme of his flowing prose went something like this: "You know you're knuckle-dragging, white trash if you support strict enforcement of our immigration laws and demand economic justice for American citizens." (Apologies to comedian Jeff Foxworthy.) Mikey was responding to my recently published letter ("Keep them out," Sept. 26) in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette because I had had the nerve to suggest that Americans are still willing to do the jobs they once did and would gladly do again if they were paid a living wage. Here are Mikey's (e-mail him) unedited comments:

Mr. Gorak:

Re: your letter in today's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (below), we apparently received it in error. You see, Pittsburgh is not part of the Midwest with Wis[consin] and the other white trash states. Further, if you're idea of jobs fall under the categories of "meatpacking, construction, poultry processing, drywall installation and janitorial services," perhaps you should take up your plight in a Third World county (like Wis), rather than America, where those kind of jobs left a long time ago. Yes, hardworking people once supported themselves and their families with these kinds of jobs, but we have evolved since then (you apparently have not, though, but I guess the fact your knuckles still drag already told you that). However, if you or one of your inbred family members would like to clean my toilet, you're more than welcome. I would prefer, however, to have an immigrant do it, though, because chances are he or she will speak several languages, be well versed in American history and probably turn that one job into a multimillion dollar enterprise - whereas you would take four smoke breaks, call OSHA (that stands for Occupational Safety and Health Administration) and try to unionize - and, still, my toilet won't be clean. Kind of like that shack in which you reside. Keep up the good work and keep embarrassing yourself and your fellow Americans, I mean Simians.

The tight construction of Mikey's letter, coupled with his obvious passion for illegal immigrants (and disdain for millions of underemployed citizens), leads me to believe he should consider a career in the kind of immigration law that best reflects his own views. But what do we anthropoid apes know?

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