Amusingly named journalist Foon Rhee reports Mitt Romney has received the endorsement of fellow cultists The Osmond family. What took them so long?
At a campaign stop at Google headquarters in Silicon Valley Sen. Barack Hussein Obama compared his â€?metoric riseâ€? to that of Googleâ€™s. What could Barry possibly mean by that? Does he really think Google got to where it is today by being black? Maybe he does.
Signs of John McCainâ€™s mental decline were evident at a campaign event in South Carolina after an American patriot asked John McCain â€?How do we beat the bitch?". Instead of correctly answering 'with a stick,' the doddering Senator incoherently replied: "That's an excellent question," he added. "I respect Senator Clinton. I respect anyone who gets the nomination of the Democratic Party." Later McCain further reminded voters heâ€™s a tired old man by recycling a tired old joke from the 1990â€™s about CNN standing for the â€?Clinton news networkâ€?.
In Charleston, South Carolina Fred Thompson awoke from a nap mumbling something about wanting â€?a "million-member" ground force that includes 775,000 in the Army and 225,000 Marines,â€? but fell back asleep before explaining why. In unrelated news, Canada's oil reserves are now second only to Saudi Arabia.
Hillary Clinton arrived in Las Vegas for a Democratic debate. Despite the proximity of the Vegas Strip, the boring former first lady said she was too busy to do any gambling, drinking, or dancing, and would instead spend most of her time in her hotel room prepping for the debate and having lesbian sex.
Exactly as experts warned, Senator Hillary Clinton is using her outward resemblance to a woman to deflect legitmate criticism (or "playing the gender card", as all the original thinkers in the mainstream media describe it).
DC is buzzing like a great big buzzy bee with high murder rate and a Washington monument about a major sex-scandal involving one of the Presidential candidates. There is some speculation the scandal involves a lesbian affair between Hillary Clinton and her aide, the suspected Saudi Arabian intelligence asset Huma Abedin. (Some theories are even stranger.)
People love little Denny Kucinich and his wife, at least until they find out he's running for president.