If reality managed to encroach on the Bizarro World title that New Jersey's Asbury Park Press gave a January 21 story, the result might be: “Police:
Illegal Alien Honduran Elizabeth man recruited teens to help him burglarize homes.”
Meet “Elizabeth man,” aka “29-year-old Elizabeth man,” aka “Union County man,” aka “Joeys Sebastian Cruz,” aka “Jorge Luna,” aka “Joeys Sebastian Cruz Morales,” aka “Manuel Gomez,” an aka “Jorge Armondo Vadladares Luna.”
Police from various New Jersey jurisdictions say that they have no idea what this individual’s real name is, but seem to be certain that he is 29 years of age. He has been charged with “burglary, theft, conspiracy to commit burglary and theft and hindering apprehension,” with more charges likely to come. One 15-year-old alleged accomplice—also “from Elizabeth”—has so far been “charged with burglary, theft and conspiracy to commit burglary,” with more teenaged accomplices expected to be charged. They will all likely be “local boys,” from places like Honduras.
Most of Asbury Park Press reporter Michelle Sahn’s story is an unintentionally comic exercise in euphemism and misdirection:
“MIDDLETOWN — Police arrested a Union County man who they say operated a burglary ring, using juveniles to help him steal from homes in Monmouth and Somerset counties….
After further investigation, police determined an Elizabeth man was having juveniles accompany him to homes to commit burglaries, the lieutenant said….
[And my favorite:]
The Elizabeth man was arrested Tuesday in his hometown [where, Tegucigalpa?] by the Middletown and Holmdel detectives, with help from city Detective James Ponto.”
Police: Elizabeth man recruited teens to help him burglarize homes: Burglary ring targeted homes in Monmouth, Somerset counties, police say by Michelle Sahn, Asbury Park Press, January 21, 2010.
Only in the 14th and final paragraph, after many readers will have already moved on, does the truth finally come out:
“He is a native of Honduras and believed to be in the United States illegally. The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency has issued a no-bail immigration detainer for him, pending the outcome of their investigation.”
Hey, it could have been worse; Sahn and the APP could have suppressed the truth altogether, and left it to readers to guess, based on their profiling of immigration journalists, what the euphemisms stood for.
Write Michelle Sahn at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Write Managing Editor Gary Schoening at email@example.com
Send a letter to the paper at firstname.lastname@example.org
Found, thanks to American Renaissance.