I just learned my decadent American lifestyle has been forcing some Latino illegals to embrace a life of crime, and I am so ashamed! At my age you would think that I should have the good sense to recognize my irresponsible pattern of behavior but, no, I had to be shown the error of my ways by Jesse Diaz [send him mail] of the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC), who recently told a Dallas radio station that after arriving here in violation of our laws, illegals are "picking up those bad habits of cheating, of drinking and drugs."

That's right, you guys. Our society, says Diaz, who is president of LULAC's Dallas chapter, is responsible for breaking down the conservative Catholic values our illegal amigos arrive with from Mexico. Listen, I'm dead serious about this. If all us make a genuine effort to be better persons in 2007, who knows what we might accomplish? Why, we may even be successful in convincing the lads who comprise MS-13 to stop mutilating people with their machetes and begin seeking honest work. It's worth a try. What do you say?